i’m a traitor.

“i’m a suspect, i’m a traitor…. because tonight, the world turned in me.”

well, not really. but i’m a traitor to myself. haha. actually, it’s pretty ridiculous. i’m sabotaging my own love life! it’s just this stupid psychological condition that i’m sure persists in everyone (no matter how mean they might be) when my “love interest” (wow, cheesy much?) has a crush on another girl and i am stupidly egging him on in his pursuit.

case in point:

boy: likes girl
girl: maybe? likes boy (not sure, since all info is gathered from boy)
me: likes boy

boy: (to me) so, i like this girl.. and i think she likes me back
me: for serious?! dude, go you! when are you gonna ask her out?
boy: eh… i don’t know how i should tell her. we’re gonna see a movie on monday though.
me: OMG! you should tell her after you guys see the movie! it’s just you two? LOL IT’S TOTALLY A DATE.
boy: UM NO >.> okay yeah.. hey can you give me some advice on girls?
blah blah etc.

ahaha. it’s so messed up. we’re very close friends (can’t go a day without talking to each other either online or on the phone), and i have a massive crush on him. we’re even going to prom together (as friends, of course). but, i refuse to tell him how i feel because it would…

1. cause awkward turtle level 3
2. destroy our friendship (he is very attracted to this girl)
3. there is no chance of him reciprocating at this point

the thing is, we’re best friends. and he tells me that he’s attracted to this girl (in his grade, mind you — i guess guys just like girls their own age and not older woman? sigh) who isn’t exactly the prettiest, fashionable girl but rather to her personality. she is outgoing, nice, pure of heart… attributes that i will never have as a reserved, sarcastic, cynical person. and i was telling him – “ask her out! tell her how you feel! and don’t feel like you have to jump into a relationship. if you two like each other.. man, that’s like the best feeling in the world and you could live with that until you’re ready for a relationship.”

why do i sabotage myself? because i am an idiot.

LOLOLO wow my life is turning into some kind of romantic drama or something. hahaha this is pretty lame.

 

Verbal Abuse

I’m so mad at my father sometimes. My memories of my dad in my teenage years are fragmented. The only times that he isn’t at church for some Bible study, fellowship, class, or whatever, he comes home and he yells at us. It’s the most infuriating thing ever. I can’t stand it. He yells at me for staying on the laptop too long, he yells at me for not packing fast enough, he yells at me for not doing the dishes, he yells at me for snapping at my brother (which only gets me angrier), he yells at me all the freakin’ time. He yells at everyone in our family. He even storms into our rooms sometimes to yell at us for something we didn’t do right. He takes it out on my big brother, younger brother, mother, everyone. The only time he isn’t yelling at us is when he’s done yelling and he’s sitting on the couch seething.

Sometimes I’m so angry that he’s always shouting at the top of his lungs. Our house is small, so the noise carries easily. The worst thing is that it’s usually something ridiculously stupid, and some small thing just irritates him and he goes into a big long argument with my mother. I find it so hard to believe that he can go to church with a smile on his face, being a very sociable person during Sunday service and Friday night fellowship, and at home he comes to argue with us. It makes me hate him, even. I can’t find the strength to empathize with him, can’t find the strength to love him since he’s my father… I just give up. I just need to vent.