April 9, 2008
him:she went to watch a movie todayi don’t htink she really wants to watch one tomorrowbut we’ll just hang out ;Dand eat dinnerme: lol.-.-”7:17 PM him: lollhahawhat.would you be excited beyond imagination?
7:20 PM him: haha you’re so cute :D
April 5, 2008
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you; then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” – Neil Gaiman
dear friend,
when i first met you, i wasn’t sure what to make of you. you were just an acquaintance of some friends, someone who awkwardly stepped into my life. it’s hard sometimes to remember how i met you. but somewhere in those murky memories, you stepped in — and you got stuck. but you fit — you carved a place in my heart for yourself and i in yours. we fit together. and we were meant to be. not in that mushy gushy romantic way, but in the way that two people who find each other are meant to be friends.
somewhere in between, i started to get to know you. like, really know you – past the jokes, the pick-up lines, the fights, the gossip… i glimpsed into who you were — your strengths, your weaknesses, your memories, your vices and your talents. and somewhere in between, i fell in love with you.
yeah, i know. i’m confused as to why, too. you might not think you’re amazing, but you are. the little things that you do, you don’t even know. dropping a line to ask how i am. those friendly hugs. the whispers and giggles during a lecture. just being there.
one day, you will be more than a friend. you will be an uncle. a father. a boyfriend. a husband. a lover. but most of all, you will be beloved.
but i could never be the one that you want. don’t ask… here’s to living in the moment — for all the heart break and all the heart happiness. i’m happy for you — i really am. but i know that if i had to be honest, some days i couldn’t be more bitter and hateful to you for hurting me like this. falling in love is the best and worst thing that could happen. i hate all this, and i love all this. i hate that my life has turned into one of those stupid, life-proven cliches of two kids who are best friends, and that one of them has fallen in love with the other, while the other remains oblivious and chasing other loves. but i love that we’re best friends; i cherish our friendship like no other.
i know i shouldn’t be telling you this. i know, and i know time and time again that sometimes life isn’t fair; that hope can be a paralyzing and terrible thing… except that i can’t take this. it kills me every time you tell me how much she loves you, what adorable thing she’s done, and just how great this girl is. and i hate myself more every time i laugh at you, tell you that’s great, and all this other bullshit that i don’t mean. (i told you once that you say things you don’t mean, and now i have to apologize to you.) i hate myself for having this stupid hope that you won’t really be in love, that it’s just a stupid high school romance… that if i stick around you enough, you’ll turn to me and realize you really do love me.
i really am a stupid teenage girl.
sincerely,
me
April 3, 2008
“i’m a suspect, i’m a traitor…. because tonight, the world turned in me.”
well, not really. but i’m a traitor to myself. haha. actually, it’s pretty ridiculous. i’m sabotaging my own love life! it’s just this stupid psychological condition that i’m sure persists in everyone (no matter how mean they might be) when my “love interest” (wow, cheesy much?) has a crush on another girl and i am stupidly egging him on in his pursuit.
case in point:
boy: likes girl
girl: maybe? likes boy (not sure, since all info is gathered from boy)
me: likes boy
boy: (to me) so, i like this girl.. and i think she likes me back
me: for serious?! dude, go you! when are you gonna ask her out?
boy: eh… i don’t know how i should tell her. we’re gonna see a movie on monday though.
me: OMG! you should tell her after you guys see the movie! it’s just you two? LOL IT’S TOTALLY A DATE.
boy: UM NO >.> okay yeah.. hey can you give me some advice on girls?
blah blah etc.
ahaha. it’s so messed up. we’re very close friends (can’t go a day without talking to each other either online or on the phone), and i have a massive crush on him. we’re even going to prom together (as friends, of course). but, i refuse to tell him how i feel because it would…
1. cause awkward turtle level 3
2. destroy our friendship (he is very attracted to this girl)
3. there is no chance of him reciprocating at this point
the thing is, we’re best friends. and he tells me that he’s attracted to this girl (in his grade, mind you — i guess guys just like girls their own age and not older woman? sigh) who isn’t exactly the prettiest, fashionable girl but rather to her personality. she is outgoing, nice, pure of heart… attributes that i will never have as a reserved, sarcastic, cynical person. and i was telling him – “ask her out! tell her how you feel! and don’t feel like you have to jump into a relationship. if you two like each other.. man, that’s like the best feeling in the world and you could live with that until you’re ready for a relationship.”
why do i sabotage myself? because i am an idiot.
LOLOLO wow my life is turning into some kind of romantic drama or something. hahaha this is pretty lame.
February 12, 2008
So… I’m pretending to be cool by writing in this here little blog. Today in English, we were learning about Samuel Pepys (Peeps!), the British guy that lived in the 17th century and became famous after his diary was decrypted by some college students some 100 years after he died. It’s pretty sad, actually, because he wrote the diary in code, intending for no one to read it. He also lost his eyesight, so he discontinued writing in that awesome code of his. Man, way to respect a dead guy’s privacy.
Anyway, that’s just kind of what prompted me to start writing in a blog.
Lately, there’s been a little drama between myself and a friend, and it’s made me really confused. Actually, I have a bit of a crush on said friend. I’ve known him for a couple months now, and well… he said something that got me spastic. He said that in terms of closeness, I rank as his #1; he considers us to be very close friends. The funny thing is, before he said that, he had asked me what I ranked him as, and I said promptly that he was my #3 (I am trusting in my Lord Jesus that he will never direct said friend to this webpage) after two of my friends from middle school.
I am definitely very happy that he considers me his “#1.” But at the same time, I’m angry and very much scared to death.
Let me tell you something. I’m not very trusting of people. It’s taken me a long time to get used to the friends I have now, even after almost two years of living here. Once I have begun to trust someone, I stay loyal to them for as long as I can (hence, the fact that my two closest friends are people I grew up with and went to middle school with). It scares the hell out of me that this boy, whom I have known since last November, could possibly count as the person I am closest to in my current home.
I’m angry, too, because… damn! What right does he have to say that I’m his #1? Can he even say that he knows me? He’s the type of guy that feeds a lot of bullshit to people. For example, he often tries to deny any compliments like how good-looking he is despite the hoard of girls that harbor crushes on him and an obvious realization of said girls. He tells me he loves to make me smile, and he has a pet name for me. I mean, what kind of “platonic friend” would say or do those types of things? (Albeit, I do admit that maybe he might not have many friends and maybe he can be a bit of a loner sometimes, but he’s still pretty sociable…) And then — and then – he even has the balls to say that if we were in the same grade, he’d definitely consider dating me. Double u. Tee. Eff!
And yet, I like this guy. He’s possibly one of the sweetest guys I have had the opportunity to meet (ah, well, I am in high school, so I suppose that’s a very narrow view). Our conversations often discuss things of actual meaning, like how we see people and observe them, and sometimes our spiritual lives, too — something that I rarely talk about with my friends. It’s odd because he’s two years younger than me (hence the conflict of the whole “if we were in the same grade…” thing). When I first met him, I could never have imagined that we would have connected as well as we do; that we’d talk as much as we do; that… maybe, it’s not bullshit he’s feeding me and that he genuinely appreciates me?
Unfortunately, I’m a cynic in these matters. I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’m also a skeptic. I sincerely want to be able to have a good relationship… but I know that, of course, relationships in high school rarely result in anything but shallow infatuation.
There’s so much more I want to say. It might be selfish of me to say this, but I hope nobody ever reads what I write in here. Dear Lord, please do not let anyone I know stumble upon this blog, realizing that it’s me. Amen.
