So… I’m pretending to be cool by writing in this here little blog. Today in English, we were learning about Samuel Pepys (Peeps!), the British guy that lived in the 17th century and became famous after his diary was decrypted by some college students some 100 years after he died. It’s pretty sad, actually, because he wrote the diary in code, intending for no one to read it. He also lost his eyesight, so he discontinued writing in that awesome code of his. Man, way to respect a dead guy’s privacy.
Anyway, that’s just kind of what prompted me to start writing in a blog.
Lately, there’s been a little drama between myself and a friend, and it’s made me really confused. Actually, I have a bit of a crush on said friend. I’ve known him for a couple months now, and well… he said something that got me spastic. He said that in terms of closeness, I rank as his #1; he considers us to be very close friends. The funny thing is, before he said that, he had asked me what I ranked him as, and I said promptly that he was my #3 (I am trusting in my Lord Jesus that he will never direct said friend to this webpage) after two of my friends from middle school.
I am definitely very happy that he considers me his “#1.” But at the same time, I’m angry and very much scared to death.
Let me tell you something. I’m not very trusting of people. It’s taken me a long time to get used to the friends I have now, even after almost two years of living here. Once I have begun to trust someone, I stay loyal to them for as long as I can (hence, the fact that my two closest friends are people I grew up with and went to middle school with). It scares the hell out of me that this boy, whom I have known since last November, could possibly count as the person I am closest to in my current home.
I’m angry, too, because… damn! What right does he have to say that I’m his #1? Can he even say that he knows me? He’s the type of guy that feeds a lot of bullshit to people. For example, he often tries to deny any compliments like how good-looking he is despite the hoard of girls that harbor crushes on him and an obvious realization of said girls. He tells me he loves to make me smile, and he has a pet name for me. I mean, what kind of “platonic friend” would say or do those types of things? (Albeit, I do admit that maybe he might not have many friends and maybe he can be a bit of a loner sometimes, but he’s still pretty sociable…) And then — and then – he even has the balls to say that if we were in the same grade, he’d definitely consider dating me. Double u. Tee. Eff!
And yet, I like this guy. He’s possibly one of the sweetest guys I have had the opportunity to meet (ah, well, I am in high school, so I suppose that’s a very narrow view). Our conversations often discuss things of actual meaning, like how we see people and observe them, and sometimes our spiritual lives, too — something that I rarely talk about with my friends. It’s odd because he’s two years younger than me (hence the conflict of the whole “if we were in the same grade…” thing). When I first met him, I could never have imagined that we would have connected as well as we do; that we’d talk as much as we do; that… maybe, it’s not bullshit he’s feeding me and that he genuinely appreciates me?
Unfortunately, I’m a cynic in these matters. I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’m also a skeptic. I sincerely want to be able to have a good relationship… but I know that, of course, relationships in high school rarely result in anything but shallow infatuation.
There’s so much more I want to say. It might be selfish of me to say this, but I hope nobody ever reads what I write in here. Dear Lord, please do not let anyone I know stumble upon this blog, realizing that it’s me. Amen.
